I am coming to the realization that I may never be pregnant again. It hurts. I am not going to lie about that. I'm not sure what to do at this point. It doesn't look good, though.
I have had sex for days when I get a positive OPK test. Nothing has happened. If, by some miracle, I do become pregnant, it doesn't last. I am really, REALLY sick of false hope. I'm not sure I can handle this much longer. I think I might already be done.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is this: Kaine's birth wasn't what I wanted. I didn't know enough then to make it the birth that it should have been. My guilt is monstrous. I also have a very bitter feeling of "why was I led down this road if I am not going to be able to use it? So, I can feel like I am missing out?!" It's not fair. I am having a really hard time accepting that this is how it will be...forever.
I know, I still have time. But, really, not that much time. I know also that I am being selfish (not everyone gets to have at least one biological child). It's not fair that I think my situation isn't fair (especially when there are women out there that have indeed done absolutely everything!). I have major guilt about that too.
One of the worst parts of this dilemma is hearing about other people who have become pregnant. Especially the ones that have the "oops!". I hate those the most. It's like a big slap in the face. I used to love to hear about people having little ones. It was one of my greatest joys in life, honestly. Pregnant women were also so beautiful to me. I loved to run into them on the street, grocery or mall. Now, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. I try to smile at them and brush it off but, it sends me into sadness and, I think, bitterness too. I just want to box myself up and not come out.
I am full of self pity at this moment, and I do hope that you forgive me for that. However, unless you have been here, you don't know what I am talking about. I am sure you can imagine but, I don't want you to even have to experience that. No woman should feel like she can't bring forth life. It's the worst feeling in the world. Trust me, I know.
I have had sex for days when I get a positive OPK test. Nothing has happened. If, by some miracle, I do become pregnant, it doesn't last. I am really, REALLY sick of false hope. I'm not sure I can handle this much longer. I think I might already be done.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is this: Kaine's birth wasn't what I wanted. I didn't know enough then to make it the birth that it should have been. My guilt is monstrous. I also have a very bitter feeling of "why was I led down this road if I am not going to be able to use it? So, I can feel like I am missing out?!" It's not fair. I am having a really hard time accepting that this is how it will be...forever.
I know, I still have time. But, really, not that much time. I know also that I am being selfish (not everyone gets to have at least one biological child). It's not fair that I think my situation isn't fair (especially when there are women out there that have indeed done absolutely everything!). I have major guilt about that too.
One of the worst parts of this dilemma is hearing about other people who have become pregnant. Especially the ones that have the "oops!". I hate those the most. It's like a big slap in the face. I used to love to hear about people having little ones. It was one of my greatest joys in life, honestly. Pregnant women were also so beautiful to me. I loved to run into them on the street, grocery or mall. Now, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. I try to smile at them and brush it off but, it sends me into sadness and, I think, bitterness too. I just want to box myself up and not come out.
I am full of self pity at this moment, and I do hope that you forgive me for that. However, unless you have been here, you don't know what I am talking about. I am sure you can imagine but, I don't want you to even have to experience that. No woman should feel like she can't bring forth life. It's the worst feeling in the world. Trust me, I know.
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